God's Way is Not Ours

(Artwork by Lauren Anderson)

We've all heard the saying "God works in mysterious ways", but the reality is God's ways are not our ways. Isaiah 55:8 and 9, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." As a result of our thoughts not being as high as His (See, He can see the full picture. We see what is right before us.), we usually reject it when God shows up and works in His mysterious ways. Most Christians respond no different than the Pharisees responded in Jesus' day. They accused Jesus of not doing things the way they were supposed to be done---according to their interpretation of the law. They did not accept Him as the Messiah because He did not come in the manner they expected. 

There are times when God desires to move in a person's life, yet it requires an action that others often reject, saying it is not God's will for their life, so they are advised they will be stepping out of God's will if they go in the direction they are feeling led. I have personally experienced this in my own life and walk with God. Not only was I told I was out of God's will, I was told I had been tricked by the bait of Satan, and my children were told that I was choosing to walk away from God. 

(Just a little side note: The Bait of Satan is a book about a device Satan uses to snare believers, offense. Offense leads to anger and bitterness. It is a snare. It is a trap. Avoid it at all cost.)

In 2003 I found out I was pregnant with my fifth child. My husband had already made an appointment to get a vasectomy. He did not want anymore children at that point in our lives, and I knew I could not be the one to prevent another pregnancy. It wasn't in my heart to do so. When I found out I was pregnant, we were saving the money for the vasectomy. After a couple of weeks of walking around in a dazed shock, he finally accepted we were having another child. My body, however, was rejecting carrying a fifth child. I nearly lost her twice, so I spent my entire pregnancy on bed rest. He was thankful he had not already had the vasectomy, and I knew my beautiful baby girl was worth nine months in bed. Trinity Sierra was born on July 31, 2004, and he had his vasectomy within a month of her birth. No more children for us!

In 2008 we had a special speaker come to our church. At the end of service he called us all down for prayer. When he got to me he told me I would have another child. Specifically, he said, "When he comes, he will be a boy." I ran back to my seat because I had accepted I would not have anymore children. My husband had made sure we wouldn't. Because others knew we couldn't have anymore children, some suggested it would be a grandson we would raise while others suggested we may adopt a boy. That is what we all do, isn't it? When God tells us He is going to do something in our lives or in the world, we sit and try to figure it all out in our heads. I decided that if God chose for us to have a baby boy, He would supernaturally reverse my husband's vasectomy, and that was how it was going to have to be---according to me, that is! 

Again, our ways are not God's ways. The way God ended up bringing that prophetic word to pass (Yes, it did come to pass.) was rejected by some as not being God because: "God," they said, "doesn't do things that way." You see, it required my husband and I to divorce. I had been hearing my entire Christian walk that God hates divorce, and it says so in Malachi, but what no one bothered to do was read the entire passage. The men of Israel had divorced their wives without cause and married non-believers. You see, it was their actions that God hated, the putting away of their wives without cause. Does that mean that God loves divorce or simply winks at it? No, that's not what I'm saying, but He does allow divorce, and He doesn't persecute the one who is justified in their divorce. 

People still refused to believe that God was bringing His word to pass in my life through a divorce, yet we find in the book of Ezra that the men had sinned against God by marrying those God had forbidden them to marry. They repented of their sin, and it required they divorce those they were never meant to marry in the first place. It was a union not joined together by God. When Ezra stood and proclaimed their sin and repentance in verses ten and eleven of chapter ten, he told them to do what pleased God, to separate from the people of the land and to put away their wives. So, Ezra was saying that in this particular situation it pleased God for a divorce to take place. The reason I bring this up is simply because it is one of those moments where God's ways are not ours and His thoughts are above ours. We cannot make a blanket statement and say God hates ALL divorce when He clearly does not. He just doesn't always do things the way we think He should---usually because of how we were taught. The Pharisees stuck to their guns for the same reason; they were taught a particular way and refused to accept God when He showed up and did things different. 

Let me get  back to the prophetic word and how it came to pass. Colby and I were friends while I was still married to my first husband. Colby was my friend, and he was there for me through my divorce. He home schooled his little boy. He needed help with it, and I needed a little extra income (I cleaned a few houses, but with no child support, I was struggling), so he asked if I could educate his son. I was at his home on a daily basis teaching his son, so we grew even closer. My friendship with Colby became love. It happened quickly. My children already loved him, and they respected the way he had been there for me, and I fell in love with a precious little boy. One day it hit me; the words spoken to me back in 2008 came back like a flood, "When he comes he will be a boy." I had taken those words to mean the sex of the baby, but I realized Little Colby was six when he came into my life. He was a young boy. 'He will be a boy' meant he wouldn't be a baby nor would he be a teenager. HE (the gender) would be a boy...a young boy when he came into my life. I never expected God to bring that word to pass in such a way, but I'm oh, so glad that He did. He saw the whole picture. He saw what was down the road for me. 

You may wonder why I'm sharing this story. I'm not encouraging anyone to divorce by any means, but if you are divorced, I will never judge you for it. I recognize that sometimes it is God's will for a divorce to take place in order for a person to get their life together and in line with God's word. It was necessary for me. There were sins I was trapped in because of my first marriage, and I prayed daily to be set free from those shackles, and yes, in my situation it required a divorce in order for me to be free from those sins. I'm sharing this story because there are times when God shows up in an unconventional way, and when He does, I want Him to be seen. Don't be the person refusing to see His hand moving because He's not putting His hand inside the box you think He should do all things through. 

Yes, God is a God of restoration, and there are times He will restore a bad marriage and make it new, but just because God restored your marriage doesn't mean He will deal with your friend's marriage in the same manner. Every person has a will of their own. God doesn't force us to submit our will to His, so when a marriage is truly restored, both parties have repented and changed and allowed God to restore the marriage, and sometimes a person goes through the confessions, the cries, and the 'I'm sorry's' only to find that their spouse never truly repented. You see, restoration takes both parties, and because God can see the whole picture, He knows when that will never happen, so please don't stand in judgment of others simply because God did things a different way in their life than He did in yours. Sometimes God does things in an unconventional way, and remember His ways are not our ways. 

Be Blessed and Be Made Whole,

Pinky

A Female, a Girl, a Woman, and a Lady from a Different Time

     Often on this site, I share epiphanies I have throughout the day, but today I decided to share something a little different. I’m going to shine a spotlight into who I am: a female, a girl, a woman, and a lady from a different time.

     The first observation anyone would make when meeting me is that I am a female; that’s my gender. I was born with female body parts, and I have all the “wonderful” female hormones that accompany the gender. Those hormones contribute to occasional moodiness and breakdowns. Yes, I’m an emotional being. I’m extremely sensitive, and I cry when I get hurt. I’m not going to apologize for any of those things. They are a part of being a female for me, and I am proudly of the female gender.

     Secondly, I’m a girl. As a matter of fact, I’m a girlie girl. As a small child, I loved dolls and dollhouses and baby dolls. When we played house, I always wanted the role of the mommy. I wore nightgowns on my head and pretended it was my hair. I would cry and beg my mother not to cut my hair. I wanted long hair. It was what I liked, but she hated long hair, so she kept mine short most of the time. Occasionally, she would give in to my pleas and allow me to grow out my hair, and I would be so happy. Long hair made me feel feminine. I had a low self-esteem, so it was important to me that I felt like a girl because I related femininity to beauty, and every little girl wants to feel beautiful.

     I had another weapon at my disposal in the beauty arsenal; I always felt prettier in a dress. My mother would make me dresses covered in lace and frills, and I adored them! Not only did I feel beautiful when I slipped on a dress, but I felt more comfortable (more myself) when I wore a skirt or a dress than I did when I wore a pair of pants, so I was often found wearing them. In the 1960’s the feminist movement brought up many valid issues where women needed to be protected; the movement also addressed gender roles. I was born after these movements began, and yet I was born a girl from a different time period. I longed for the traditional role of a girl.

     Thirdly, I’m a woman; I was raised being taught that God gave women brains just like He gave men brains. I never doubted it either. I was fairly smart in school, but I also understood that being a woman did make me different from a man, and I was intelligent enough to deduce the differences. I don’t care to try to do everything a man can do because I acknowledge the fact that I can’t do everything a man can do. My body was not made the same as a man’s. I have limitations, but I also understand that men have their limitations as well. There are things women excel in that men can’t do. It doesn’t mean men are less than women, and it doesn’t mean women are less than men. It simply means we are different, and there is nothing wrong with being different from one another, but for some reason in today’s society many women seem to desire to be seen as equal to a man in every aspect: in pay, in respect, and in job opportunities. I’m just a woman from a different time. I believe my pay should be equal to a man’s. I believe the respect I receive should be equal to a man, but I acknowledge I cannot be seen as an equal to a man in every job opportunity. My dad was a fireman. A fireman needs to be able to carry a person down a flight of stairs to get them out of the house if it’s on fire. If I can pass all the requirements set in place for a man to become a fireman, which includes being able to carry a person down a flight of stairs, then I should be considered an equal in that job opportunity, but if I cannot pass that test, then the test should not be dumbed down for me because I’m a woman.

     A few years back a storm came through and knocked limbs out of the trees at my dad’s house. They were massive limbs—limbs as big as tree trunks. I took my teenage son with me to help my dad clean up. We got down to the biggest part of the limb. Daddy needed to lift it off the ground a little in order to cut through it. I didn’t want my dad (whose health was declining) to have to lift it, so I told him to stand back and allow me to do it. He chuckled. He didn’t chuckle out of meanness, but he knew I would not be able to lift it because a woman’s strength lies in her hips and legs. A man’s strength is in his arms and chest. I tried to lift it; it wouldn’t budge. My fifteen-year-old son stepped over (after a few laughs!) and picked it right up. You see—I’m a woman; I’m not a man. I can’t do everything a man can do, but I was never meant to. I get to do something extraordinary that a man can never do, give birth. Men and women are different, and that’s okay.

     Lastly, but most definitely not least, I’m a lady. Today’s society scoffs at a woman who presents herself as a lady to the world. You can often read thoughts through the eyes, and I’ve read the criticisms of the way I choose to dress. The gossips being spoken have gotten back to me. I’ve heard the whispers that I’m religious because of the way I dress. It’s also been said that I’m in the bondage of legalism. You may be wondering what I mean by how I choose to dress, and then you may ask yourself why I dress the way I do. To answer the first question, you will usually find me wearing a dress or a skirt. To answer the second question, do you remember what I said about feeling more comfortable in a dress when I was a little girl? That never changed. I allowed society and fashion to dictate my choice of clothing for years—most of my teenage and adult life, in fact, but within the last three years, I have been discovering a freedom I never knew I could experience, a freedom to be me!

     Society screams tolerance of those who “want to be themselves”, yet I have found judgment around almost every corner because I love wearing dresses, and I love having long hair, and I’m over forty years old. Some people even feel sorry for me because they think I’m a poor Pentecostal girl chained by religion, legalism, and my domineering husband to “having” to wear dresses and keep my hair long. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I’m not in bondage. I’m freer than I’ve ever been. Yes, I’m Pentecostal, but my relationship with Jesus is not about what I “can’t” do. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are in such a bondage, but that’s not me. My husband is not domineering in the least, and I obey what God shows “me” in the Word, not what a man or a church says I must do. I loved long hair and dresses way before I even knew what a Pentecostal was.

     I’m simply being me, and I’ve always felt more comfortable in a dress. A few years ago I broke free from feeling that I had to wear what society demanded I wear. The world seemed to be painting a particular picture for women to fill, and I did not find myself or my heart amongst the colors they were using. Society was painting a picture that destroyed what it meant to me to be feminine, so I decided to make a stand for femininity.

     I’m a female; I’m a girl; I’m a woman, and I am a lady, but I am from a different time. I will allow my husband to open the door for me. I will allow him to fight to protect me, and yes, I will allow him to pick up that heavy box so that I don’t have to do it. I will not criticize him for being a gentleman. He treats me like a lady because I am one. For me, my way of showing that is to dress in a way that expresses my femininity to the world. I don’t expect any of you to be me or to have my heart, so all I ask is the same in return. Don’t expect me to be like you.

Be Blessed and Be Made Whole,

Pinky

THE POWER OF THE PEN

Artwork by Lauren Anderson

The power of the pen is a phrase commonly used to suggest the power held in the hands of an author as they write their opinions or beliefs. Today, the phrase would be better stated, “The power of the keyboard and social media.” The new phrase would encompass the words of any Tom, Dick, or Harry. Nowadays everyone voices their opinion and beliefs through Facebook, Twitter, and blogs, but that doesn’t matter; the statement still holds true. There is power in the pen (keyboard), and that power has grown exponentially due to the medium of social media. So, is there some sort of magic that issues from the ink as it rolls onto the paper? Or is there some mystical element contained within the keys of a keyboard? No, the power lies within the tongue and the words that come forth from it.

Proverbs 18:21, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” (KJV)

Proverbs teaches us that the tongue holds a unique power—the power to produce life, as well as death; but not only does it teach that the tongue possesses such an inimitable power, but we learn that we choose to consume the fruit we prefer. If we love death and words that produce death, we will consume the words that stab and cut and devour. If we love life and words that produce life, we will ingest into our spirit the words that speak life, love, and happiness. The tongue can be a tool for building self-esteem and confidence, but just as it can be a tool, it can also be a weapon of destruction used by bullies.

Back when I was in school, bullies used their tongues as knives of intimidation and destruction. These attacks happened in the schoolyard, and there may have been a few phone calls made at the end of the day, spreading rumors and lies about an individual, but the victims had the safe haven of home where the bully’s words could not invade their territory. Today, bullies still use their tongues, but they’ve also learned about another weapon at their disposal, the power of the pen; so now, not only do they run their mouths to spread rumors and lies about others, but they use their fingertips to strike the keys of their keyboards and post their threats on social media sites. Widening their scope of attack beyond the schoolyard or the workplace, they now have the ability to invade every aspect of their victim’s lives.

Trolls is a common word used on the Internet to describe people who hide behind the fact that they cannot be seen and their identity is often hidden, yet they viciously attack people online. Some people use vagueness in their attacks on social media in order to hide from those they are verbally attacking on the Internet, but the bottom line is, whether it is a bully or a troll, the use of social media to verbally attack individuals and spread rumors and lies about them is cyberbullying, and it is punishable by the law. Not only is it punishable by the laws of our state, but it is also punishable by God.

Psalm 101:5, “Whoever slanders his neighbor secretly I will destroy.” (ESV)

According to God, if you slander (the act of making a false spoken statement, damaging to a person’s reputation) someone in secret (behind their back), He will destroy you.

Proverbs 10:18 (b), “…whoever utters slander is a fool.” (ESV)

According to God’s Word, if you utter slander (a false spoken statement, damaging to a person’s reputation), you are a fool.

So, the question is this, are you still guilty if you believed a lie and spread it? Yes, not knowing something is false does not excuse you if you spread it as if it is the truth! Deuteronomy 19:15, “One witness shall not rise up against a man for any iniquity, or for any sin, in any sin that he sins; at the mouth of two or three witnesses shall a matter be established.” (ASV) In other words, you are not excused because you are required not to believe an accusation against someone based on one witness. It requires two or three witnesses.

Recently, I fell victim to such an attack. Someone was told I called their child a name. I did NOT! But rather than question the source, and rather than coming to me and asking me if I did what I was accused of, the person responded in anger on social media.

Matthew 18:15-17, “If your brother (or sister) sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone; if he hears you, you have gained your brother, but if he does not hear you, then take one or two brothers with you, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he neglects to hear the church, let him be unto you as a heathen and a publican.” (ESV)

Not only did the individual lash out against me on social media, but she made false accusations against my character, claiming that I did not raise all of my children and claiming that I had not taught my daughter how to be a lady. Since she did not name me (Psalm 101:5) but slandered me secretly, I did not realize the post was about me. Had her finger pointing been based in truth, I may have realized she was naming me, but the accusations spoken did not pertain to me. Both statements were slanderous lies! I raised all five of the children I brought into this world. I raised my first born child by myself for the first two years of her life, and she was only four months away from nineteen when she moved out of my house, so I do believe that constitutes raising my children. She also blurted for all to read that my daughter (someone who is supposed to be her friend) did not know how to be a girl because I had not taught her how to be a girl. I will not even dignify that with a rebuttal. Anyone who knows me, knows how I have raised all my children. Along with being slandered, the lady also made a verbal threat of a physical attack against me. Her post incited other bullies to join in and make their own threats of physical harm.

Once I was informed that the post was about me, I confronted the person I was told this woman said told her I called her child a heathen or hellion. That person was my daughter, her friend. I calmly asked her (my daughter) why I was being told she said I called someone a name, something she knew I had not done. She claimed she did not tell her friend that I said anything, saying she didn’t know why the woman thought I said such a thing.

This is not the first time I’ve been through something of this nature. Back in 2010 I had a woman make false accusations against me on Facebook. I was speaking at a rehab and this individual wanted to be able to hear me speak. I have five children. I was extremely busy getting them ready to be babysat while I spoke, and I was running late. The woman messaged me and mentioned not being able to attend because she didn’t have the gas in her car. As stated, I was running late myself, and I did not know where she lived. I was the speaker, so being late wasn’t an option. I told her I was sorry she would be unable to attend and left my home. She had wanted me to offer her a ride to where I was speaking. Because I did not do so, she unleashed a verbal attack on social media. I was devastated! I knew her children and loved them, so I prayed about how to handle the situation. I felt led by God not to respond to anything that was said on Facebook. Jesus stood before His accusers and said nothing in His defense before His crucifixion. I never doubted how I handled the situation. I knew God had led me to stay silent.

Then a couple of years later an author accused me of plagiarism on Facebook. She had not read my work, and I had not read her work either. Plagiarism kind of hinges on stealing another person’s words. You can’t steal words you haven’t heard or read, and you can’t make a credible accusation against another author for stealing your words when you haven’t read the book you claim plagiarized yours. I was once again devastated! This time I contacted the woman and pointed out that my work had been written several years prior to ever meeting her and that I could not plagiarize what I had not read. She removed her post and sent me a letter of apology. I accepted her apology, but I was bothered that she did not admit her accusation was false through the same medium that she made the accusation, but I let it go and left it in God’s hands.

So, once again, I am devastated at the slander of my character on Facebook, and I was left to pray and ask God how to handle the situation. This time I have felt led to make a response through the same medium that I have been slandered through, social media. Sometimes you have to stand up against the lies with the truth. As an author I know the power of the pen, and as a believer I know the power of the Word of God. Proverbs 18:21 clearly says I have the power of life and death at the tip of my tongue, and since those things at the tip of my tongue have a way of making their way through my fingertips onto a black keyboard, I had to choose how to handle my words. I choose to eat the fruit of life. I’m not angry, not anymore. At first I cried because I felt Satan stab me in the heart with the viciousness of the things being said about me. People who do not even know me joined in the attack against me, and my ex-husband jumped on the bandwagon too, claiming to be curious. I had bitten off and chewed on the fruit of death that was being delivered on social media about me.

After I stopped crying, I got angry, and then my husband reminded me I must be doing something right in order for Satan to seek me out to attack me so strongly, and boy does Satan know where to stab. He goes straight for the jugular. Once my daughter admitted to me that she knew I was innocent (the phone call was recorded, by the way), God gave me a peace, and He showed me how I can help others to gain victory over gossip and slander. By sharing what I’ve been through, confronting the lies that are being spread, and calling it what it is—SLANDER, LIES, AND BULLYING, I can help others to learn how to eat fruit that produces life. Life is gained when you stop the bleeding caused by rumors and gossip. When you confront the gossip and slander, Satan loses his weapon.

Be Blessed and Be Made Whole,

Pinky

THE MAGIC MIRROR

I had the opportunity to share a message from my heart with a group of women, and I felt I needed to take it a step further by sharing a portion of it here on my blog. I started by giving each of them a mirror, and I told them it was a Magic Mirror. I can't give out mirrors through my blog, so I figured posting a picture of one would suffice. So let's just say the mirror in the picture above is a Magic Mirror. What makes this mirror magic, you ask? This mirror is special because it has the ability to reflect images from two different sources, God and Satan. Look at the mirror and think about what you see when you look into it. Ask yourself this question: Who am I? Who do you see staring back at you? Is the reflection controlled by God or Satan?

Self-perception is the way you understand, comprehend, and see yourself. When you look in the Magic Mirror, what is your self-perception? Do you perceive virtue, excellence, grace, beauty, distinction, loyalty, faithfulness, and purity? Or does the mirror reflect blemishes, flaws, deficiencies, faults, failings, betrayals, and impurities? Your self-perception (whether good or bad) will have an impact on your self-esteem, so what is self-esteem? It is your sense of dignity or value. Words have a powerful effect on one's self-esteem. Proverbs 18:21, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." The tongue produces words! Plain and simple. 

The tongue is a double-edged sword because it is not only the words spoken that can harm an individual, it is often the words left unspoken that do damage. The lack of encouragement or love weakens self-esteem, and negative words are weapons that injure. Sometimes this is done unintentionally when a bad choice is made in wording, or it may simply slip past the speaker unaware that their words were harsh and harmful, but then there are those intentional words meant to shun or degrade. They cut, and often those cuts are deep. 

Your self-esteem will play a major role in determining your choices, and the choices you make in your life can define who you are. Look back in that Magic Mirror and ask yourself who is reflecting the images you see. If Satan is in control of the mirror, recognize the source of the reflection. The Truth can and will set you free from the bondage of a low self-esteem. YES, it is a bondage. If you are a born again believer, then you are a daughter of the Most High God! Your daddy is the King of kings and the Lord of lords. You are the head and not the tail. You are CHOSEN! Go to the Word of God and start reading THE Word that will uplift and affirm your self-perception. You do NOT have to allow Satan to control how you see yourself. He does not have to influence the choices you make. If you've already made choices as a result of a low self-esteem, there is a powerful word in the bible...FORGIVENESS. Hand your Magic Mirror to Jesus. Allow Him to be the one in control of the reflection you see. 

Be Blessed and Be Made Whole,

Pinky

 

Remove the Graveclothes

God has always had a way of using music in my life. Sometimes He will use the words of a song to speak to me, and other times He will simply use the anointing on the music to begin speaking to my heart. This happened to me this past Sunday. As I sat in a powerful service, God began to speak to me concerning Lazarus.

It amazes me how God can say so much to you in such a short span of time as you sit in His presence. It seemed as if I heard an entire message from Him concerning why my walk with Him had taken the route it had taken. He started with speaking the passage of scripture from John 11:43-44.

"And when He thus had spoken, He cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.

And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with grave-clothes, and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go."

Jesus calls out to the hearts of all who are dead in their sins and trespasses. Our Father draws us to Him and through His Holy Ghost He convicts us of our sins and leads us to repentance. He had done so in my own life. He wooed me with His love for me and drew me to my knees in surrender to Him. When I fell to my knees in complete surrender, He cried out, "Schledia, come forth." It is what He did for you if you have been born again. He called out your name, commanding your spirit to come to life! 

That night in 1996 the Life of God entered my spirit. I was no longer dead in sin but alive in God. I walked out of the tomb I had lived in, but I was still bound in grave-clothes. When Lazarus came forth full of life, his hands were bound; his feet were bound, and his face was bound. Jesus did not walk up to him and begin taking the grave-clothes off him. No, he commanded those around him to Loose him, and let him go. That is the job of the church with the five-fold ministry (Apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, and evangelists) as its leaders. Jesus told the disciples to go into the world and preach the gospel and make disciples of all nations, teaching them to observe all things He had commanded them. (Matthew 28:19-20)

Scripture points out first that Lazarus's hands were bound. If the grave-clothes are never taken off our hands, how can we serve Him? How can we lay hands on the sick and know they will recover? Our hands are still bound. I believe unbelief is one of the grave-clothes that bind our hands. If we do not believe what the Word of God says about the Power He has given to us, how can we serve Him? How can we minister to the world? 

I was in a church at the time that taught the Word of God. Romans 10:17, "So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God." The pastor was a gifted teacher of the Word, and there were many great teachers placed in my life while in that particular church. My hands were unbound by the teaching of the Word. My faith grew and my unbelief diminished. I began serving in ministry within 6 months of my born again experience.

My question to you is: Have your hands been unbound? Have you desired to serve the Lord, yet you keep hearing the voices that tell you you're unworthy? Have you been called upon to pray for someone, and you simply brush it off because you don't know if God will actually heal them or deliver them? Are you hands bound by unbelief in who you are in Christ?

The next thing we see is that his feet were bound. If we are never loosed from our grave-clothes, how can we walk for long without falling? Yes, we can move forward in God, but our journey will be a difficult one to make. Try binding your feet together and see how far you can get without falling down. I think the things that bind our feet (and our legs, essentially) are the sins we were entangled in during our life before we came to God. Some of these are taken off by the church. We are taught to hide the Word in our heart that we might not sin against Him. 

We must hide the Word in our heart, but we need more than that to overcome sin. We need the Holy Ghost! Jesus told the disciples they would receive power after the Holy Ghost comes upon them. Acts 1:8, "But ye shall receive power, after the Holy Ghost is come upon you; and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth." The Holy Ghost empowers us to be a witness, to overcome sin, and to cast out devils. We need the Holy Ghost! I just can't say it enough. 

I received the Holy Ghost, and as I jumped forward a step, the church taught me the Word which exposed my sin, and the Holy Spirit empowered me to overcome it. One strip of grave-clothing at a time, I began being loosed. Have you received the Holy Spirit since you believed? (Acts 19:2) Do you have the power to overcome sin and be a witness to the world?

The portion of the scripture that pricked my heart more than it all was that Lazarus's face was bound with a napkin. I felt the Lord show me my own face covered with a mask throughout my entire walk with Him. My hands had been freed to serve Him, and my feet had been loosed of almost every strip of grave-clothing, but my face had never been unbound. I had sought out counsel, longing for the cloth that smothered me to be taken off my face, so the truth of me, who I was, and what my heart was enduring could be revealed. I wanted to be completely free, but the cloth blinded me to seeing the road before me. God had set a path for me, a way to go, but it was darkness to me because my eyes were still covered. That caused it to be frightening, and fear set in. As a result of having to hide behind the grave-cloth that covered my face, I lived in a state of depression.

The last thing God spoke to me in that flash of a moment was the letter of the law brings death but the spirit of the law brings life. (2 Corinthians 3:6) This is where I was left for 21 years. The letter of the law had been ministered to me when I sought to have the grave-cloth removed from my face. It brought to my life the slow process of death through depression. I was still alive in God, but I was suffocating and slowing losing the breath of life. In that instant I knew God was revealing why I had struggled for so many years. It was the reason why I had hidden my heart from everyone. I wore a mask for everyone to see, but it was merely a painted grave-cloth. 

I continued for years to go to God, seeking deliverance from the strands of cloth still binding my walk and the cloth over my face; the two were intertwined for me---those things still binding my feet being the things I used as a coping mechanism to deal with the hidden pain I lived in daily. I got to the point that my breathing had slowed down. My last painful breath was only seconds away. I felt it coming, and I embraced it. I even begged God for it to come. I could no longer endure the pain I lived in daily. 

It was during that time when God sent a friend into my life. When I shared with this friend what was hidden beneath the grave-cloth, the spirit of the law was expressed to me for the first time, and for the first time in 21 years, I had God's light shine into my eyes, and He revealed the path He had before me concerning my situation and pain. The grave-cloth was finally removed, and I was set free from the remaining strips that had bound my feet and caused me to fall as I walked the path to my destiny. 

Are you still walking with a grave-cloth (a mask) covering your face---who you are and the wounds that have been inflicted upon you? I may not know what your painted grave-cloth is covering, but I can tell you this, if you walk away from counsel feeling as if you have been locked in a prison, the letter of the law was likely ministered to you. Most likely the ones ministering the letter do so unknowingly. They may honestly be well meaning. I know the ones who ministered to me meant well.

If you are a minister, seek God fervently before ministering to someone about the choices they have in their circumstances.  Ask God to lead you through the spirit of the law rather than the letter of the law, and remember, the call of the church is to loose them, and let them go! 

Be Blessed and be made whole,


Pinky 

My Testimony

From a young age I was told by my father that I had a great calling on my life, but the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He did so when I was very young. In order to protect myself, my mind put up huge walls around me---like the hard outer shell a hermit crab lives in. The hermit comes out on occasions, but always retreats inside the shell for protection. I often found myself alone, traipsing through the woods around my house in quiet solitude. It was the place I found comfort and peace. I had an ability to completely block out all reality, disconnecting myself from life with little effort. I had lost self-worth and constantly felt inferiority dripping over me like hot oil running down my head and oozing its way to my belly. I lived with nervous knots in my stomach and a huge hole in my heart, afraid to speak to anyone outside of my immediate family and close friends, all THREE of them!  Most of my time was spent alone in the quiet, listening to the sounds of nature. I’m quite certain God walked with me on those walks because of the peace I felt during those times. 

As I got a little older I learned to move some of those heavy boulders used to build that wall, and I put doors there to allow a few people through, but I refused to tear it down because it protected me; I only wanted to allow a handful of people in. The enemy found weak spots and forced his way through them, often using the words of my peers to pierce through and penetrate my heart, like being told I was ugly and unloved. I continued to spend most of my time alone in silence. When I was with others, I was still silent. I know this is hard for those of you who know me now to believe because I talk now, but ask anyone who knew me in school and they will tell you what they remember about me is that I never talked. One of my high school friends described me as being socially awkward, unable to talk to people and let others in. Another one said when asked, “No, Schledia never talked, but I could always tell she had a kind spirit.”

When my family fell apart, the enemy found another way in. He used that access and started reminding me of some of the things that had taken place when I was little, the reasons I had built the wall in the first place. I had not known why I had built it because my mind had locked that information away to protect me from it, but Satan reminded me of one of those instances. I began turning to alcohol to drown the memory. I didn’t want it to be true. It was during that time that I started to talk. Most of the time I cried, but I found when I was drunk, I could talk about my feelings and release all the torment bottled inside me, but Satan had gained entry and was effectively destroying my life. He had already stolen my innocence as a small child. His destruction worked quickly, leading up to his plan to kill. On the day he planned to carry out his attack and have me end my own life, God had a friend of mine give me a bible. It is the bible I still use today. God spared my life that day, knowing what the enemy had been doing to me all along. He was the one who gave me the ability to block out the memories and find solitude and quiet where I could spend hours not even thinking. It was his protection. It took me a long time to realize how He had shielded my heart and mind. 

Within the last several years, bits and pieces of other memories from my childhood have found their way out, but they found their way to my conscious mind at a time when I was rooted and grounded and able to bear what they revealed. I still don’t see the whole picture. Maybe because God knows I’m not ready to see it. 

I went on a Lady's Retreat some years back. We were asked to label rocks with our burdens, place them in a backpack, and carry them around. I put rocks representing the little things I think of on a daily basis, the things my mind allows me to see and feel. We were then asked to take a God Walk, not thinking, not singing, not talking, not praying. We were told it would be difficult to block everything out. I honestly didn’t understand how it could be difficult because it was my life. I had lived most of my life exactly that way.  I carried those rocks around with me on my God walk, doing exactly what came naturally to me, walking through nature, observing, listening without thought in complete silence. It was my safe haven, always had been. When I happened upon a rock that was huge, I realized it was the rock that should be in my pack, but it was much too big for me to carry. 

I took a picture of that rock to remind me of what should be in my pack, and I heard God say to me He had always carried it for me. He had allowed me to carry the burdens He knew I could handle, the smaller rocks that represented the inferiority, the self-consciousness, the loneliness, and the worthlessness I felt---all bits and pieces broken off the big rock He bore for me. The rock weighed too much, so He allowed my mind to hide it from me. He showed me how the enemy used his entrance after the destruction of my family to reveal the weight of that rock to me, and how that is what led to me not wanting to live anymore because I picked up the rock was I never meant to bear. 

This is what it means when the Word of God tells us He bore our burdens. He picked up the weight of all those things in our lives so we wouldn't have to carry them, but sometimes we take those heavy boulders out of His hands and attempt to carry them with our own strength. Give them back to Him. He never intended for you to take it from Him.

On my way back, I started to feel the weight of the backpack and the rocks. One side was heavier than the other and it pulled and strained on me, tugging me to one side. Going up a hill, the weight causing pain on one side of my back, I heard Him speak and tell me the weights we bear, while not put on us by Him, are used by Him to build strength, endurance, and character in us. 

You can do one of two things with the weights the enemy puts on you throughout your life. You can use them to build strength, endurance, and character, or you can stop, pull out the weights the enemy has placed upon you and start throwing those rocks at passersby, but those rocks are like boomerangs, they hit and inflict the same pain you feel on those you strike with them, but they come back to you, finding their way back in your pack, stained with the blood of those you’ve injured. If you choose the later, you will find you did not gain strength, endurance, or character, you gained bitterness, hatred, and revenge.

I urge any and all to think of the rocks and burdens you carry, the things the enemy of your soul has placed upon you. It is him who wants you to throw those rocks at others and inflict pain upon them. It is his whole purpose in this world. Think of those rocks and realize God intends for you to build spiritual muscle, spiritual endurance, and character, so that you end your journey full of love, compassion, and grace. And stop attempting to pick up those heavy boulders.

Do not play into the enemy’s hands because the blood of innocent people hit by your rocks is heavy, and when those burdens come back to you, they weigh more and increase the bitterness and darkness within your heart. They spark the hatred and set fire to the revenge, the weight of which is too difficult to bear and will leave you stuck in your path, never making it to your destiny. Use them, rather, to make it to your destiny full of purpose and power to change the lives of others and the world for good.

Be blessed and be made whole,

Pinky 

The Silence is Ending

 Artwork by Lauren Anderson

Words have escaped me (a writer) for some time now, a little over a year in fact. I have felt as if I've been placed by God in a time of silence as a test. It's not easy to surrender to a test of silence, especially when the silence means you can't defend yourself. It hurt. It was painful. At times I questioned God why I had to allow others to be able to say what they were saying and sit silently on the sidelines. My flesh wanted to scream at the top of my lungs at the passers by as they shot their flaming arrows through the sky. Some of those people looked me straight in the eyes as they shot their arrows while others pulled back their bow and released their arrows into the darkness surrounding them, but God kept reminding me that He would be my shield. 

God gave me a song many years ago titled, "I Will Be Your Shield." The Chorus of the song goes: "I will be your shield from the fiery arrows. No matter where you are, I'm never very far, and I will be your shield from the fiery arrows. The enemy may come, but he can't get past My Son, and He will be your shield." 

It doesn't matter where we are in our walk with God, He will be our shield. Yes, the enemy will come to shoot those fiery arrows, but he cannot get past Jesus if we hold up the shield of Faith and allow Jesus to be our shield. God was preparing me all those years ago to cling to Him when the battle full of fiery arrows would be unleashed upon me.

Recently words began coming to me, words I've longed to say over the past year but haven't been allowed to speak. I have felt as if the time of silence is nearing its end. I realized this when I recognized why the words were coming to me. I have a testimony. I have been through things that other women are going through, and my experiences may help them. It's time for the silence to end. It's time for me to speak, and I want to start with the silence.

I was strongly led by God to remain silent during my divorce, and that is what I did. It's actually the opposite of what most people do, and it's definitely the opposite of what my ex did. I had a very small handful of people I knew I could trust, and they were the only ones to hear my words. I lost friendships due to my silence, even when they arranged meetings and tried to pry words from me to "expose my guilt" while ignoring and excusing all the years of pain I had endured. My silence seemed to confirm my "guilt" to many. I even read a post from a church member that said in so many words, Your silence shows your guilt. But God kept telling me that my silence would do just the opposite.

It took me a long time to see what God was teaching me through it all, but in the end what I finally realized through my silence (as all the rumors and lies being spread about me kept coming back to me) was that this world thrives on inflicting pain, and Satan uses Christians just as much as he uses non-Christians. The sad thing is...most of those Christians feel justified when they snub you out in public because you left a person they think is wonderful, yet never once do they ask you "Why?" All they know is the lie they were told by the one who was left. 

You see, as Christians,God wants us to be like Him. Jesus stayed silent when He was accused, and that is to be our example. He cried out from the cross, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." I've had to first realize that even the Christians joining in on the attack against me "know not what they do," and I've had to forgive them. I've also had to look at my life and my walk and examine myself. I never want to be found guilty of doing what was done to me, and honestly, I can see in my past where I have been guilty, so I have found myself on my knees asking for forgiveness for standing in judgment of others. God never intends for us as believers to inflict pain upon other Christians. First and foremost He doesn't want that because He prayed we would be one in unity, and secondly, He doesn't intend that because the world knows we are of God by how we treat (love) one another.

Have you been guilty of listening to gossip and rumors within the church walls? Outside of the church? Maybe you've listened to rumors and lies under the guise of "pray for so and so." Have you in turn judged another believer by what you've been told? If you examine yourself and find yourself guilty, all it takes is going to God and asking Him to forgive you. If you can go to the person you've mistreated, do so. It will mean the world to them. Be the healing balm that God uses rather than the fiery darts the enemy shoots to inflict harm.

Be blessed and be made whole,

Pinky