Veiled Grievances

Artwork by Lauren Anderson

Our cries are silent. 

Our tears run red.

Listen for the words,

That are not said.

Our wounds run deep.

Our fears well hid.

Look for the signs,

Our veiled grievances bid.

                                          Schledia Phillips

I wrote the above poem for the dedication of my book Wildflowers. Every writer cannot help but inject pieces of their own heart into their writings. It happens without thought on a subconscious level. Our pains and our struggles reveal themselves through the pen---the keyboard in today's world. It is a way, I suppose, of uncovering those veiled grievances, a way of trying to share with those you love what is truly going on in your heart and mind. Read a writer's work and you often gain an understanding of where the author has been and where they presently are in their life. You may even see where they hope to one day be in the future. 

Depression is something I know about more than I care to acknowledge, but my depression has never been from any sort of chemical imbalance. There are many forms of depression, including situational depression. There are also many forms of abuse. Wildflowers (the book for which the poem was written) deals with the subject of abuse. Most people look for bruises and broken bones, but verbal and emotional abuse don't leave visible marks. The bruises left by those two forms of abuse are on the soul, and it is the heart that is often shattered or broken. 

"Our cries are silent...listen for the words that are NOT said..." 

People close to me knew I struggled with depression, yet my cries were silent. You may be asking yourself, what do I mean by that? While others may have been able to see my melancholy state at times, I hid the whys from everyone. Surely you've heard the phrase, "suffer in silence." Often times people suffering from depression or abuse do just that. They suffer in silence. 

"Our fears well hid. Look for the signs..." It is a plea for someone to look and see that fear is there, yet it is being hid. Everyone trapped in any form of depression and/or abuse desperately wants to be rescued! I wanted to be rescued. God was the only one who heard my heart's cry. He is the only one I trusted to be completely open and honest with. I am a Christian, but I had seen too many who claim the name run around gossiping about others, so I held my pain inside, and I cried out to the one who formed me and knew my situation. He knew what no one else did. He knew my heart and the pain it had endured. He knew the brokenness of my life, despite the mask I put on for others to see. He heard even my silent cries and saw the blood in them from my brokenness. He heard the words I refused to speak. He saw the deepness of my wounds and the fears buried in them. He saw the signs and pulled back the veil, revealing my heart's grievances. God knew, and He loved me when others have shunned me and turned a cold shoulder to me. I'm thankful that God is God and humans are not because, despite a human's flawed nature and oftentimes their own past and struggles, they still cast stones and inflict pain and bruises on those longing to be healed.

God heard my cries, and He answered my prayers. There came a day when He handed me a key. It was a key that unlocked the prison door of my situation. And then He gave me the choice to use that key. It was frightening to shove that key in the keyhole, and I trembled as the door creaked open, but once it swung open wide and I stepped out into the sunshine and freedom, the dark veil that shrouded my life was lifted. I have been set free! 

If you are trapped in a prison of depression and/or abuse, you are not alone. There is a key to your prison door. I know it's frightening to imagine what might be on the other side of that door, but I assure you (as someone who walked through that door) it is worth unlocking and stepping through. 

Be blessed and be made whole,

Schledia Phillips

The Anagapesis

Artwork by Lauren Anderson


 "The Anagapesis"

The anagapesis is covered

By a disguise that is worn.

Onlookers see smiles,

But deep inside she mourns.

Her heart had been shattered

Throughout the years,

Yet she buried it under a mask

And hid all of her tears.

Her thoughts were to protect

Those she held dear;

To keep everyone happy

By concealing her fears.

She never imagined

she could be blamed.

For the cover-up she wore

Was only meant to hide shame.

The anagapesis uncovered

The mask now taken off.

As onlookers stand around

At her hidden pain they scoff.

Not understanding her love

Covered a multitude of misdeeds.

They jeer and point their fingers

When healing is what she needs.

                                               Schledia

The Cover Up

 Artwork by Lauren Anderson

I Peter 4:8, "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins." NLT

Genesis 9:20-27, "Then Noah began farming and planted a vineyard. He drank of the wine and became drunk, and uncovered himself inside his tent. Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside. But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it upon both their shoulders and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were turned away, so that they did not see their father’s nakedness. When Noah awoke from his wine, he knew what his youngest son had done to him. So he said,“Cursed be Canaan, a servant of servants he shall be to his brothers. He also said, “Blessed be the LORD, The God of Shem; And let Canaan be his servant. “May God enlarge Japheth, And let him dwell in the tents of Shem; And let Canaan be his servant.” NASB

I've always been a firm believer in the story of Noah's sons who covered his sin because they loved their father. This story has been on my heart a lot because of a meme I happened across some time back. The meme read: People tend to get MORE angry at the cover-up than the mistake. Personally, I find the two sayings to contradict one another. Scripture says that love covers sins (or mistakes if you choose to refer to it that way), but the meme seems to imply that people get angry at what scripture calls right, covering sins. What I see in Genesis 9 is that Noah cursed his son who exposed his sin. Yes, Ham exposed his dad's sin to his brothers. The two sons who covered him were blessed for their action.

What the Lord has been revealing to me through the scripture (and through the meme) is the difference between Him and people. See, God loved us so much that he died, and His blood COVERS our sins. He doesn't expose our sins to the world; He covers them. This is called Grace, and we are to be like Him. We are to love one another. If you love, you cover...not expose. This to me is proof of love. I can't go around telling people about another person's sins that I may happen to know about and then turn around and say that I love that person. Yesterday's message at church confirmed what God had been saying to me about all this.

I almost always sign off my blog by saying be blessed and be made whole. This message is one of the things God has been revealing to me about how I am to be blessed, and if it works for me, it works for you too. Be like Noah's two sons who covered his sins and were blessed as a result of it. As Christians we are not to go around revealing the sins of others, even if their sin is against us. That may not be the easiest thing to do, especially when you've been severely wronged, but it will bring with it a blessing. I don't know about you, but I want God to bless me and make me whole.

Be blessed and be made whole ;-) ,

Schledia

Mother

"Mother"

God stretched forth His hand,

to create someone like no other.

He molded with love,

the woman called mother.

He chiseled away,

all selfishness and greed,

and formed a large place in her heart,

prepared to meet her children's needs.

He spoke to her mind,

Words of knowledge and wisdom---

whispering the importance 

of altruism.

Kindness He fashioned,

in her smile and in her eyes.

And promised her that gentleness,

was where true beauty lies. 

He breathed in her lungs,

filling them full of courage and endurance, 

and gave her the strength needed

to always nourish and give assurance.

With a kiss on the forehead,

He passed on His love

Saturating her with compassion,

Her heart now as gentle as a dove.

Schledia Phillips                                   

When Forgiveness Isn't Easy

 Artwork by Lauren Anderson

I shared in my last blog about a dream I had. I was traveling down a dark road in that dream. It was a path I had to take, there was no stopping it, but it was scary. That has been very true of my life recently. I shared how God has brought about healing and understanding in my relationship with the passenger in my dream. I wouldn't trade that for the world! She is one of the most important people in my life, and I love her.

Today I want to share a little of what I think the darkness on that road represents. The path to our destiny is lined on both sides by darkness, those things opposing us. Jesus' path to His destiny (the cross) was lined the same way. Jesus was taken to trial and accused. We all know that He had no sin, yet He stood silent before His accusers. The initial human response to that situation would be to defend yourself against falsehoods, but Jesus is our example. He stood silent. Imagine the emotions going on in His heart. Here was a man who had done nothing but good, and yet He had people jeering at Him and spitting upon Him, calling Him all sorts of things. The truth is each and everyone of us deserve some of what is thrown our way. We've all done something worthy of punishment, even if what we are being accused of is a falsehood.

The truth is I've been having a hard time dealing with this part of my walk lately. I haven't had a difficult time staying silent. I do that quiet well. (Ha Ha to those of you laughing right now at the thought of me being silent). I'm very good at biting my tongue and hiding when I've been injured. Do I love to talk and socialize? Yes, I do, but when it comes to what I'm talking about here, I know how to stay silent. I've done it for years.  My struggle has been keeping anger out of my heart.

When Jesus hung on the cross he cried out, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." He was praying for the one who turned Him in, for those who mocked Him, for those who spit upon Him, for those who beat Him, for all of those who placed Him on the cross, and we must do the same. It's not always easy. I've struggled so much lately with feeling justified in hating those who've purposefully injured me, but my heart cries out, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." 

Jesus help me to walk in love and forgiveness. 

Be blessed and be made whole,

Schledia

From Darkness to Light

Artwork by Lauren Anderson

My last blog was on the sounds of silence, and if I'm to be honest with you, I haven't had much silence since that morning! I've been in a place of having to focus and concentrate to hear the Lord in the midst of many voices and at times pure chaos. That right there can give you a headache, and I've had quite a few lately. Allergy season has kicked in full gear, and it has brought with it a bombardment of sneezing and frequent headaches. 

It has been during this time that my concentration keeps drifting to how the Lord has brought about an understanding of some of my dreams. I'm not talking about aspirations. I'm speaking of literal dreams. We all have them, and many times our subconscious is telling us something or maybe a fear is revealing itself, but there are times when God speaks to us as we sleep and shows us things through our dreams. Last Sunday I heard an awesome message on "From Darkness to Light." Our dreams come in the darkness (night), and they are often God's way of bringing us into the Light.

I had this one particular dream back in October. I was driving down a dark road with someone in the passenger seat. I was frightened and apprehensive about the direction I was going, and the road seemed to end. I got scared as I got closer to the end of the road, but the passenger never wavered in knowing the road would not just end. Me, I feared where it would take me and how it would end! I tried to stop the car, but there was no stopping it. The road was taken.

I had been in earnest prayer about a decision that would change the direction of my life. Because the passenger had been down a similar path as the one I was on, I combined my feelings of fear of the unknown destination and the choices I knew the passenger to have made in their own life, and I started looking at the dream logically through my human understanding and eyes. I shared it with a friend who did the same thing, so I backed off from making the choice to change my path, but that did not last. 

Through prayer I kept coming back to what I knew I needed to do. No one around me understood why I had to change the road my life was traveling. I was told it wasn't God's will for me to go down the road I was taking. I was criticized and made out to be many things, but I knew. That dream was brought up to me by the friend I shared it with as a rebuttal that I was making the wrong choice. I was even told that God had shown the meanings of my dreams to this person, all pointing to the fact I was making a huge mistake in the choice I made, and I was even told that I would have to live with the consequences of it.

Recently, I sat in the house of the passenger from my dream and had a conversation with her and a young man dear to my heart. He made a comment directed at me concerning my path change. It felt like a jab. In my defense the passenger spoke up and made a comment, and it was at that moment it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew at that point what my dream had been telling me back six months prior. The fear and apprehension I felt in my dream was not God warning me that path was wrong. The fear and apprehension were natural because of the weightiness of the choice before me, and just as in the dream, there was no stopping the path change. I was meant to take the road. The person in the passenger seat was there for a reason. You see, I had held anger in my heart against that person for going down the same road. I believed her choice to be the wrong one, and I had judged her for it. I never saw her pain. I only saw what I thought logically was the right choice. The words she said in my defense were a reflection of all the pain I had been hiding from the world for years, and when she said those words, I knew she said them from her own understanding of them because she had done exactly what I had; she hid all of her pain for years. 

The young man saw the look on my face (a look of revelation mingled with the pain of my treatment of the passenger), and he asked me if I was upset with him. I wasn't; I was upset with myself. I asked for a moment as tears pooled in my eyes. I told no one what I had "seen" in that flash of a moment. But the following day I sat across from the passenger, and I cried as I told her how sorry I was for not seeing her pain. I asked for her forgiveness for judging her and the path she HAD to take. It was not ever meant for me to judge, and then God showed me that all along He was revealing to me that through my path change, He would restore me to a right relationship and a true understanding with the passenger, so yeah, that is a consequence I'm willing to live with because that passenger was someone I haven't loved the way I should for many years all because I held bitterness in my heart against her. I didn't even realize I had the bitterness there because I felt justified in judging her. The fear I had felt was natural. It was a scary change, but the consequences of my choice to go down the road I was traveling in my dream, the consequences are healing and deliverance, and I'll take those consequences any day. 

You are probably wondering what the moral to this story is, and I have to say I think it is simply to pray for understanding from God on all things He speaks to you, as well as the things He may show you through dreams. Don't just take the word of a friend because that friend may be looking through human eyes at the situation. You see, God sees the whole picture. He knows the things that have been held in secret. He knows the pain you've been through even when you've worn a mask for others to see for years. God knows, and even if the path He shows you that you are to travel seems scary and dark, the destination is always healing and deliverance if He is the one guiding you! He takes you from darkness to light.

Be blessed and be made whole,

Schledia

Sounds of Silence

Artwork by Lauren Anderson

I woke up this morning to the sounds of silence. Ah, how I long for times when I can bask in silence. No television blared. No one was speaking. No one was demanding my attention. I've been a mom for 24 years now, so finding moments of silence is not easy. I laid in the bed with silence surrounding me, and I was able to hear God.

It got me to thinking about the prayer closet. I wonder if maybe, just maybe, one of the reasons we're told to go to a prayer closet is for the silence in order to be able to hear Him. Think about our daytime life. The hustle and bustle of everyday life is loud and boisterous. Sometimes the noise is so loud that is drowns out the Voice of God, but late at night after all the pandemonium has died down and early in the morning before the chaos begins, sound travels without hindrance. Scientifically speaking, the temperature of the time has an affect  on the sound waves and their ability to go further and be heard a little louder as well, and that thought made me think of Adam in the garden when Jesus would come walk with him in the "cool" of the day! When the "heat" or the trial is on, we may not feel God's presence or hear His voice. It doesn't mean He's not there. It just means the heat has slowed down the sound waves of His voice, and the commotion of the day combined with that makes Him seem farther away.

We should search for that prayer closet, that place far away from the noise of the world. Rise early in the morning or stay up late at night to have time for just you and the Lord. His voice is easier to hear when it is just the two of you. For me, early in the morning is the time when I love to bask in His presence. For you it may be easier to set aside time at night. It's not about the time of day you listen for Him as much as it is about when it is easier for His Voice to make it past all the distractions. 

Be blessed and be made whole,

Schledia