The bitter sting of pain has brought tears to my smiling eyes and a dull ache to my blissful heart as of late. That sentence seems conflicting, doesn't it? It makes no sense. It's illogical, and I'm a logical woman. I need to be able to understand things, not only through faith but through reason as well. The ability for my heart to feel both emotions at the same moment over the same situation prompted me to dwell on how and why. How can we feel two opposite emotions all at the same time? How can we experience complete and total joy while being stabbed in the heart with the dull knife of pain? As I took a moment to "selah" over that thought and talk to God about it, I came to the knowledge and belief that we are able to do both at the same time through the amazing gift of being made whole!
Just a year ago I would not have felt utter joy while my heart ached as it has this holiday season. A year ago I was a broken woman, a woman who had a wounded and bleeding heart that had never healed. I had come to God and given Him my life. He had moved in my life and set me free from many things, but I had endured stab after stab after stab through the years that had injured me and left my wounds freely bleeding. I was imprisoned by my wounds, and my circumstances kept the wounds from healing. As I bleed out all of the life and vitality of my spirit and soul, I slowly died. People around me saw a living being with a smile planted upon her face, a smile that covered and hid the pain lurking beneath the surface. The truth is I was lifeless. I wore a mask for others to see, but God knew the truth. God was the one I cried out to when no one else was around. He was the one for whom I took off my mask.
During those years of hidden pain, any and all jabs and punches thrown my way sent me whirling into a depression. I fought back with the spiritual strength I had, but when your spirit is bleeding, that strength does not last. Not being whole prevents even the strongest person from having the stamina to fight back, and in our weakness we are overcome by negative influences and moods. I did not have the ability to process the pain because I was not whole. I was covered with lacerations. My spirit and soul were not healthy as a result. I prayed for many years for God to bring complete deliverance in my life. This thing of being made whole doesn't come in an instant. It takes time. God does not always answer your prayers instantaneously. He brings things to pass in His perfect timing. I needed my circumstances to change in order for my wounds to begin healing. In my case my circumstances kept me in a perpetual state of injury.
Once the journey of changed circumstances began, I needed to no longer be half of the person I was made to be. I needed the one I was made to complete---the one made to complete me. Some of you reading this may feel it odd that a woman in 2016 would say such a thing, but I believe the word of God to be true. I believe He made woman for man and that it is not good for man to be alone. I believe God creates us with a particular person in mind. He forms us to complete that person, and they in turn complete us. Two become one. I am a woman with a mind of her own, but I needed my beloved, my forever, and he needed me.
I've learned a lot over the last year of my life as I ventured towards completeness. I've learned that pain overcomes a heart that is not whole; it consumes the broken heart. Once you've allowed God to complete the healing in your life, pain no longer has the same affect on the heart or mind. Being whole doesn't change the fact that we live in a world with good and bad; it just means the pain associated with the bad doesn't take away any of the joy we have. I have experienced that for the first time in my life this holiday season.
My family dynamic has completely changed. I stood in my new living room with my new husband watching my daughter and my young stepson decorate the Christmas tree together. It was a new tradition being created. I've always decorated the tree while my children were at school, but this year our two youngest hung the ornaments. Christmas music surrounded us all, flooding the atmosphere with the spirit of the season. I felt such happiness in that moment, yet a tear spilled over onto my cheek as I missed my other children. They are growing up and making their own way in life now. They have girlfriends and a boyfriend and best friends and jobs and school, and they are starting to fly out of their nest. It's a natural process to release them into life and adulthood, but the changes in my new life have made it sting a little more.
Last year during this season, sadness consumed me. I sat and watched my children open their gifts in their own environment, and I felt momentary cheerfulness in their joy, but the ache in my heart overwhelmed even the happiness, causing it to be a glimpse of laughter snatched away in an instant. I could not overpower the misery because my heart was a shattered glass scattered over years of heartbreak. This year, I feel sorrow, but a strong heart made whole through God and His wonderful gift to me is able to smile with a tear in my eye.
I always end my blog with "Be blessed and be made whole." I understand now why God placed that particular saying on my heart. I was on my own journey to wholeness, and I want others to experience the same. Never give up! It took years for God to heal my heart. It was worth the wait.
Be blessed and be made whole,
Pinky
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