My Testimony

From a young age I was told by my father that I had a great calling on my life, but the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He did so when I was very young. In order to protect myself, my mind put up huge walls around me---like the hard outer shell a hermit crab lives in. The hermit comes out on occasions, but always retreats inside the shell for protection. I often found myself alone, traipsing through the woods around my house in quiet solitude. It was the place I found comfort and peace. I had an ability to completely block out all reality, disconnecting myself from life with little effort. I had lost self-worth and constantly felt inferiority dripping over me like hot oil running down my head and oozing its way to my belly. I lived with nervous knots in my stomach and a huge hole in my heart, afraid to speak to anyone outside of my immediate family and close friends, all THREE of them!  Most of my time was spent alone in the quiet, listening to the sounds of nature. I’m quite certain God walked with me on those walks because of the peace I felt during those times. 

As I got a little older I learned to move some of those heavy boulders used to build that wall, and I put doors there to allow a few people through, but I refused to tear it down because it protected me; I only wanted to allow a handful of people in. The enemy found weak spots and forced his way through them, often using the words of my peers to pierce through and penetrate my heart, like being told I was ugly and unloved. I continued to spend most of my time alone in silence. When I was with others, I was still silent. I know this is hard for those of you who know me now to believe because I talk now, but ask anyone who knew me in school and they will tell you what they remember about me is that I never talked. One of my high school friends described me as being socially awkward, unable to talk to people and let others in. Another one said when asked, “No, Schledia never talked, but I could always tell she had a kind spirit.”

When my family fell apart, the enemy found another way in. He used that access and started reminding me of some of the things that had taken place when I was little, the reasons I had built the wall in the first place. I had not known why I had built it because my mind had locked that information away to protect me from it, but Satan reminded me of one of those instances. I began turning to alcohol to drown the memory. I didn’t want it to be true. It was during that time that I started to talk. Most of the time I cried, but I found when I was drunk, I could talk about my feelings and release all the torment bottled inside me, but Satan had gained entry and was effectively destroying my life. He had already stolen my innocence as a small child. His destruction worked quickly, leading up to his plan to kill. On the day he planned to carry out his attack and have me end my own life, God had a friend of mine give me a bible. It is the bible I still use today. God spared my life that day, knowing what the enemy had been doing to me all along. He was the one who gave me the ability to block out the memories and find solitude and quiet where I could spend hours not even thinking. It was his protection. It took me a long time to realize how He had shielded my heart and mind. 

Within the last several years, bits and pieces of other memories from my childhood have found their way out, but they found their way to my conscious mind at a time when I was rooted and grounded and able to bear what they revealed. I still don’t see the whole picture. Maybe because God knows I’m not ready to see it. 

I went on a Lady's Retreat some years back. We were asked to label rocks with our burdens, place them in a backpack, and carry them around. I put rocks representing the little things I think of on a daily basis, the things my mind allows me to see and feel. We were then asked to take a God Walk, not thinking, not singing, not talking, not praying. We were told it would be difficult to block everything out. I honestly didn’t understand how it could be difficult because it was my life. I had lived most of my life exactly that way.  I carried those rocks around with me on my God walk, doing exactly what came naturally to me, walking through nature, observing, listening without thought in complete silence. It was my safe haven, always had been. When I happened upon a rock that was huge, I realized it was the rock that should be in my pack, but it was much too big for me to carry. 

I took a picture of that rock to remind me of what should be in my pack, and I heard God say to me He had always carried it for me. He had allowed me to carry the burdens He knew I could handle, the smaller rocks that represented the inferiority, the self-consciousness, the loneliness, and the worthlessness I felt---all bits and pieces broken off the big rock He bore for me. The rock weighed too much, so He allowed my mind to hide it from me. He showed me how the enemy used his entrance after the destruction of my family to reveal the weight of that rock to me, and how that is what led to me not wanting to live anymore because I picked up the rock was I never meant to bear. 

This is what it means when the Word of God tells us He bore our burdens. He picked up the weight of all those things in our lives so we wouldn't have to carry them, but sometimes we take those heavy boulders out of His hands and attempt to carry them with our own strength. Give them back to Him. He never intended for you to take it from Him.

On my way back, I started to feel the weight of the backpack and the rocks. One side was heavier than the other and it pulled and strained on me, tugging me to one side. Going up a hill, the weight causing pain on one side of my back, I heard Him speak and tell me the weights we bear, while not put on us by Him, are used by Him to build strength, endurance, and character in us. 

You can do one of two things with the weights the enemy puts on you throughout your life. You can use them to build strength, endurance, and character, or you can stop, pull out the weights the enemy has placed upon you and start throwing those rocks at passersby, but those rocks are like boomerangs, they hit and inflict the same pain you feel on those you strike with them, but they come back to you, finding their way back in your pack, stained with the blood of those you’ve injured. If you choose the later, you will find you did not gain strength, endurance, or character, you gained bitterness, hatred, and revenge.

I urge any and all to think of the rocks and burdens you carry, the things the enemy of your soul has placed upon you. It is him who wants you to throw those rocks at others and inflict pain upon them. It is his whole purpose in this world. Think of those rocks and realize God intends for you to build spiritual muscle, spiritual endurance, and character, so that you end your journey full of love, compassion, and grace. And stop attempting to pick up those heavy boulders.

Do not play into the enemy’s hands because the blood of innocent people hit by your rocks is heavy, and when those burdens come back to you, they weigh more and increase the bitterness and darkness within your heart. They spark the hatred and set fire to the revenge, the weight of which is too difficult to bear and will leave you stuck in your path, never making it to your destiny. Use them, rather, to make it to your destiny full of purpose and power to change the lives of others and the world for good.

Be blessed and be made whole,

Pinky 

The Silence is Ending

 Artwork by Lauren Anderson

Words have escaped me (a writer) for some time now, a little over a year in fact. I have felt as if I've been placed by God in a time of silence as a test. It's not easy to surrender to a test of silence, especially when the silence means you can't defend yourself. It hurt. It was painful. At times I questioned God why I had to allow others to be able to say what they were saying and sit silently on the sidelines. My flesh wanted to scream at the top of my lungs at the passers by as they shot their flaming arrows through the sky. Some of those people looked me straight in the eyes as they shot their arrows while others pulled back their bow and released their arrows into the darkness surrounding them, but God kept reminding me that He would be my shield. 

God gave me a song many years ago titled, "I Will Be Your Shield." The Chorus of the song goes: "I will be your shield from the fiery arrows. No matter where you are, I'm never very far, and I will be your shield from the fiery arrows. The enemy may come, but he can't get past My Son, and He will be your shield." 

It doesn't matter where we are in our walk with God, He will be our shield. Yes, the enemy will come to shoot those fiery arrows, but he cannot get past Jesus if we hold up the shield of Faith and allow Jesus to be our shield. God was preparing me all those years ago to cling to Him when the battle full of fiery arrows would be unleashed upon me.

Recently words began coming to me, words I've longed to say over the past year but haven't been allowed to speak. I have felt as if the time of silence is nearing its end. I realized this when I recognized why the words were coming to me. I have a testimony. I have been through things that other women are going through, and my experiences may help them. It's time for the silence to end. It's time for me to speak, and I want to start with the silence.

I was strongly led by God to remain silent during my divorce, and that is what I did. It's actually the opposite of what most people do, and it's definitely the opposite of what my ex did. I had a very small handful of people I knew I could trust, and they were the only ones to hear my words. I lost friendships due to my silence, even when they arranged meetings and tried to pry words from me to "expose my guilt" while ignoring and excusing all the years of pain I had endured. My silence seemed to confirm my "guilt" to many. I even read a post from a church member that said in so many words, Your silence shows your guilt. But God kept telling me that my silence would do just the opposite.

It took me a long time to see what God was teaching me through it all, but in the end what I finally realized through my silence (as all the rumors and lies being spread about me kept coming back to me) was that this world thrives on inflicting pain, and Satan uses Christians just as much as he uses non-Christians. The sad thing is...most of those Christians feel justified when they snub you out in public because you left a person they think is wonderful, yet never once do they ask you "Why?" All they know is the lie they were told by the one who was left. 

You see, as Christians,God wants us to be like Him. Jesus stayed silent when He was accused, and that is to be our example. He cried out from the cross, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." I've had to first realize that even the Christians joining in on the attack against me "know not what they do," and I've had to forgive them. I've also had to look at my life and my walk and examine myself. I never want to be found guilty of doing what was done to me, and honestly, I can see in my past where I have been guilty, so I have found myself on my knees asking for forgiveness for standing in judgment of others. God never intends for us as believers to inflict pain upon other Christians. First and foremost He doesn't want that because He prayed we would be one in unity, and secondly, He doesn't intend that because the world knows we are of God by how we treat (love) one another.

Have you been guilty of listening to gossip and rumors within the church walls? Outside of the church? Maybe you've listened to rumors and lies under the guise of "pray for so and so." Have you in turn judged another believer by what you've been told? If you examine yourself and find yourself guilty, all it takes is going to God and asking Him to forgive you. If you can go to the person you've mistreated, do so. It will mean the world to them. Be the healing balm that God uses rather than the fiery darts the enemy shoots to inflict harm.

Be blessed and be made whole,

Pinky