My Testimony

From a young age I was told by my father that I had a great calling on my life, but the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He did so when I was very young. In order to protect myself, my mind put up huge walls around me---like the hard outer shell a hermit crab lives in. The hermit comes out on occasions, but always retreats inside the shell for protection. I often found myself alone, traipsing through the woods around my house in quiet solitude. It was the place I found comfort and peace. I had an ability to completely block out all reality, disconnecting myself from life with little effort. I had lost self-worth and constantly felt inferiority dripping over me like hot oil running down my head and oozing its way to my belly. I lived with nervous knots in my stomach and a huge hole in my heart, afraid to speak to anyone outside of my immediate family and close friends, all THREE of them!  Most of my time was spent alone in the quiet, listening to the sounds of nature. I’m quite certain God walked with me on those walks because of the peace I felt during those times. 

As I got a little older I learned to move some of those heavy boulders used to build that wall, and I put doors there to allow a few people through, but I refused to tear it down because it protected me; I only wanted to allow a handful of people in. The enemy found weak spots and forced his way through them, often using the words of my peers to pierce through and penetrate my heart, like being told I was ugly and unloved. I continued to spend most of my time alone in silence. When I was with others, I was still silent. I know this is hard for those of you who know me now to believe because I talk now, but ask anyone who knew me in school and they will tell you what they remember about me is that I never talked. One of my high school friends described me as being socially awkward, unable to talk to people and let others in. Another one said when asked, “No, Schledia never talked, but I could always tell she had a kind spirit.”

When my family fell apart, the enemy found another way in. He used that access and started reminding me of some of the things that had taken place when I was little, the reasons I had built the wall in the first place. I had not known why I had built it because my mind had locked that information away to protect me from it, but Satan reminded me of one of those instances. I began turning to alcohol to drown the memory. I didn’t want it to be true. It was during that time that I started to talk. Most of the time I cried, but I found when I was drunk, I could talk about my feelings and release all the torment bottled inside me, but Satan had gained entry and was effectively destroying my life. He had already stolen my innocence as a small child. His destruction worked quickly, leading up to his plan to kill. On the day he planned to carry out his attack and have me end my own life, God had a friend of mine give me a bible. It is the bible I still use today. God spared my life that day, knowing what the enemy had been doing to me all along. He was the one who gave me the ability to block out the memories and find solitude and quiet where I could spend hours not even thinking. It was his protection. It took me a long time to realize how He had shielded my heart and mind. 

Within the last several years, bits and pieces of other memories from my childhood have found their way out, but they found their way to my conscious mind at a time when I was rooted and grounded and able to bear what they revealed. I still don’t see the whole picture. Maybe because God knows I’m not ready to see it. 

I went on a Lady's Retreat some years back. We were asked to label rocks with our burdens, place them in a backpack, and carry them around. I put rocks representing the little things I think of on a daily basis, the things my mind allows me to see and feel. We were then asked to take a God Walk, not thinking, not singing, not talking, not praying. We were told it would be difficult to block everything out. I honestly didn’t understand how it could be difficult because it was my life. I had lived most of my life exactly that way.  I carried those rocks around with me on my God walk, doing exactly what came naturally to me, walking through nature, observing, listening without thought in complete silence. It was my safe haven, always had been. When I happened upon a rock that was huge, I realized it was the rock that should be in my pack, but it was much too big for me to carry. 

I took a picture of that rock to remind me of what should be in my pack, and I heard God say to me He had always carried it for me. He had allowed me to carry the burdens He knew I could handle, the smaller rocks that represented the inferiority, the self-consciousness, the loneliness, and the worthlessness I felt---all bits and pieces broken off the big rock He bore for me. The rock weighed too much, so He allowed my mind to hide it from me. He showed me how the enemy used his entrance after the destruction of my family to reveal the weight of that rock to me, and how that is what led to me not wanting to live anymore because I picked up the rock was I never meant to bear. 

This is what it means when the Word of God tells us He bore our burdens. He picked up the weight of all those things in our lives so we wouldn't have to carry them, but sometimes we take those heavy boulders out of His hands and attempt to carry them with our own strength. Give them back to Him. He never intended for you to take it from Him.

On my way back, I started to feel the weight of the backpack and the rocks. One side was heavier than the other and it pulled and strained on me, tugging me to one side. Going up a hill, the weight causing pain on one side of my back, I heard Him speak and tell me the weights we bear, while not put on us by Him, are used by Him to build strength, endurance, and character in us. 

You can do one of two things with the weights the enemy puts on you throughout your life. You can use them to build strength, endurance, and character, or you can stop, pull out the weights the enemy has placed upon you and start throwing those rocks at passersby, but those rocks are like boomerangs, they hit and inflict the same pain you feel on those you strike with them, but they come back to you, finding their way back in your pack, stained with the blood of those you’ve injured. If you choose the later, you will find you did not gain strength, endurance, or character, you gained bitterness, hatred, and revenge.

I urge any and all to think of the rocks and burdens you carry, the things the enemy of your soul has placed upon you. It is him who wants you to throw those rocks at others and inflict pain upon them. It is his whole purpose in this world. Think of those rocks and realize God intends for you to build spiritual muscle, spiritual endurance, and character, so that you end your journey full of love, compassion, and grace. And stop attempting to pick up those heavy boulders.

Do not play into the enemy’s hands because the blood of innocent people hit by your rocks is heavy, and when those burdens come back to you, they weigh more and increase the bitterness and darkness within your heart. They spark the hatred and set fire to the revenge, the weight of which is too difficult to bear and will leave you stuck in your path, never making it to your destiny. Use them, rather, to make it to your destiny full of purpose and power to change the lives of others and the world for good.

Be blessed and be made whole,

Pinky